The St. Louis Cardinals’ presumptive hitting coach Mark McGwire issued a statement yesterday that you might have heard about, and Cardinals’ chairman Bill DeWitt, general manager John Mozeliak and manager Tony La Russa also chimed in with addenda. Here are some of our off-the-cuff responses.

Mark McGwire

Now that I have become the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, I have the chance

Now you have "the chance"? Right, no one would’ve listened to you before you became a major-league hitting coach. Perhaps the expression you’re searching for is "necessity" or "condition of my employment."

to do something that I wish I was able to do five years ago.

What exactly stopped you then? Or during the ensuing five years?

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I used steroids during my playing career and I apologize.

What are you apologizing for, exactly?

I remember trying steroids very briefly in the 1989/1990 off season and then after I was injured in 1993, I used steroids again. I used them on occasion throughout the nineties, including during the 1998 season. I wish I had never touched steroids. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize.

Why was it foolish and a mistake? You made at least $75 million in your career. The kids (and maybe even a few adults) are going to have a tough time seeing how it was so foolish.

Looking back, I wish I had never played during the steroid era.

You sound like a real victim of circumstances. But wait a second: Weren’t you one of the very players who defined the steroid era? Does that mean that you wish you never even existed? We’re so confused.

During the mid-90s, I went on the DL seven times and missed 228 games over five years. I experienced a lot of injuries, including a rib cage strain, a torn left heel muscle, a stress fracture of the left heel, and a torn right heel muscle. It was definitely a miserable bunch of years and I told myself that steroids could help me recover faster. I thought they would help me heal and prevent injuries too.

You’re really tugging at our heartstrings with that injury list (which, incidentally, is more detailed than your explanation of your steroid use). You’re a regular Mickey Mantle. By the way, is it possible that you have it the other way around? How do you know that using PEDs didn’t lead to some of the injuries?

I’m sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never taken steroids.

We know you’ve lived in seclusion for the last few years, but don’t play dumb. People have been wondering that for the last decade and longer. And, deep down, in your heart of hearts, don’t you wonder, too?

I had good years when I didn’t take any and I had bad years when I didn’t take any. I had good years when I took steroids and I had bad years when I took steroids. But no matter what, I shouldn’t have done it and for that I’m truly sorry.

If you say "no matter what," why include the discourse about the effects? If you want us to believe your records are legit, just say so. And again, what are you sorry for? We’re starting to wonder if you’re not simply sorry that you’ve been forced to confess.

Baseball is really different now – it’s been cleaned up.

Baseball sure is different now — a lot of us ballplayers have been caught! And a few people actually care that we used PEDs. But really, are we supposed to trust you, or anyone else in the game right now?

The Commissioner and the Players Association implemented testing and they cracked down, and I’m glad they did.

Why are you glad? You were none too glad when the Feds tried to crack down on you; you stonewalled and avoided the consequences.

I’m grateful to the Cardinals for bringing me back to baseball. I want to say thank you to Cardinals owner Mr. DeWitt, to my GM, John Mozeliak, and to my manager, Tony La Russa. I can’t wait to put the uniform on again and to be back on the field in front of the great fans in Saint Louis.

You mean you can’t wait to put the uniform on again and pretend this never happened? And remember, fans: You’re great, so McGwire knows you’re not going to hold this against him. Because love means never holding someone accountable or letting them face consequences, right?

I’ve always appreciated their support and I intend to earn it again, this time as hitting coach. I’m going to pour myself into this job and do everything I can to help the Cardinals hitters become the best players for years to come.

This is going to be a big challenge for me, since I wasn’t able to make it in the game myself without cheating.

After all this time, I want to come clean.

Spare us the crap about how volitional and courageous this is. After all this time, you’ve been forced to come clean or risk becoming a distraction that the team can’t bear. At least give us the respect of being honest when you decide to come clean.

I was not in a position to do that five years ago in my Congressional testimony,

Let’s t ry that again, Mark: If you weren’t in a position to do it, it was because you were too cowardly to face the consequences of telling the truth. It’s okay, but just be honest with us.

but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about it. I’ll do that, and then I just want to help my team.

You sound like you’re threatening us with a time limit on how long you’ll answer questions. If you’re really sorry, as you repeatedly say you are, you’ll accept the consequences of your actions, one of which is answering questions as long as people have them. Like they say, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Bill DeWitt, Jr.

On behalf of the entire Cardinals organization, I believe Mark McGwire today did the right thing by telling the truth and openly acknowledging his past mistakes. No one condones what Mark did more than 10 years ago, but we hired him as our hitting coach because we know there are many contributions that Mark can and will make to our team and to this game.

Thanks for emphasizing how long ago that was! We couldn’t possibly make a hiring decision based on what a man did so long ago. And what exactly does it look like to "not condone" someone these days, if you can do something "not condoned" but still get a job in the specific field where you did the thing that wasn’t condoned? Does "not condone" even mean anything anymore? At least show us some dignity that we deserve as humans with brains.

Because of the efforts of Commissioner Bud Selig, who implemented the toughest drug testing program in professional sports,

Please don’t make this worse by invoking Selig, whose entire tenure as commissioner has been spent overseeing the PED era.

the Major League Baseball culture as it relates to use of performance-enhancing substances has vastly improved over the last decade.

What does that have to do with McGwire and your decision to hire him? Stop treating us like idiots.

I’m glad Mark has gone public and the Cardinals welcome him back as our hitting coach.

You do realize that fans have no reason to believe that you are serious about the use of PEDs in baseball, right?

John Mozeliak

Mark is going to make an outstanding hitting coach. He’s a smart student of the game and he has a lot of valuable lessons he can teach our ballplayers. I’m glad Mark has gotten this off his chest and he can proudly begin the next chapter of his life. I can’t wait to see him back in uniform.

Ah, yes, it’s all about McGwire, isn’t it? Mozeliak’s statement shows he has no clue about how some fans feel about the sport, the team and individuals’ hypocrisy and blindness. Would it kill him to say something like, "I understand why people are upset, since we perpetrated a fraud"? Is it that hard?

Tony La Russa

No one on the teams I managed worked harder or better than Mark.

Like a cheap lawyer, La Russa is at it again dropping red herrings. Is this relevant, your honor?

And now, his willingness to admit mistakes, express his regret, and explain the circumstances that led him to use steroids add to my respect for him.

He’s a hero, I tell ya! And, ah, yes, "the circumstances that led him to use steroids." See, the circumstances made him do it. Sorry, McGwire is not a victim. Save the victim language for your ARF animals.

I’ve defended Mark because I observed him develop his unique power hitting skill through a rigorous physical and fundamental work out program.

Back in 2005, La Russa was “absolutely certain that Mark earned his size and strength from hard work and a disciplined lifestyle." Now he’s telling the same story because — look closely — he never said that McGwire earned his size and strength exclusively from hard work. See what you can do with a law degree?

He has a lot to offer our team as our hitting coach. We look forward to his being part of the 2010 Cardinals."

Translation: Hey, Brian, could you just tack on some of our boilerplate corporate bull#$%@ to conclude? Thanks, Tony

This entry was posted by Pip on Wednesday, January 13th, 2010 at 1:58 am and is filed under editorial. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.