1. Richmond Flying Squirrels (Giants, AA): A simple rework of the mascot would allow him to honor the 2011 Cardinals Rally Squirrel.
2. Las Vegas 51s (Blue Jays, AAA): Lest retirement life become too placid, owning the 51s would give TLR a chance to again trade Colby Rasmus when he inevitably gets a weeklong midseason demotion.
3. Charleston RiverDogs (Yankees, A): Every night would be “bring your dog to the park night.” If you don’t have your own, bring that stray you found down by the river.
4. Yuma Scorpions (Independent): This would be a golden opportunity to be reunited with Jose (manager) and Ozzie (hitting coach) Canseco. The independent league can’t have rules agains the coaches ‘roiding up, can they?
5. Novara Baseball United (Italian Baseball League): He accomplished everything he could in this hemisphere, so why not return to and conquer the familial homeland? If anyone can turn around a team that went 3-39 (.071 winning percentage) in 2011, La Russa can. Added bonus: He would inherit Frankenstein-reliever Tavarez Franklin.
6. Hudson Valley Renegades (Rays, SS): La Russa will be right at home with a team who once used walkie talkies to communicate with their bullpen.
7. New Britain Rock Cats (Twins, AA): An ownership stake in the Rock Cats affords La Russa the opportunity to promote the scrappy 5-foot-3 Chris Cates, shortest player in minor league baseball.
8. Buffalo Bisons (Mets, AAA): First order of business: Change name to Buffalo Tofu.

First, Bill Veeck’s Browns:

And the Cardinals:

Notes:

• The Cardinals lineup features several Hall of Famers: Wallace, Burkett, Slaughter, Bresnahan, Huggins, Eckstein*.
• And you thought Branch Rickey was famous only for his role in Jackie Robinson’s career! He was a legendary short player!
• Crab Burkett, Wallace and Willie Sudhoff appear on both teams.
• Long before Stubby Clapp came onto the scene, there was Stubby Overmire.

* University of Florida Athletic Hall of Fame

To play, simply post a comment to this post with the quoted stat in context, the source and date (from 2011). You can optionally explain why you think it’s so lame, though most speak for themselves. Here’s an example:

“In his previous nine at-bats with runners in scoring position, Descalso had four hits. He had also reached base via an intentional walk, a hit by pitch, and a straight walk in recent plate appearances with RISP.”

Source: Post-Dispatch, May 10, 2011

To be clear, the lameness of the stat is not in how it reflects on the player or team (such as how high Trever Miller’s xFIP is) but how badly used it is in the article or post. In the interest of equanimity and fair play, you can even submit something from this blog or our network affiliate, ESPN. Goodness knows we’ve given you some opportunities!

The crack team at Fungoes will review the submissions and reward the lamest with two tickets to the game. All submissions must be date-stamped by Sunday, May 15 at midnight. Feel free to weigh in on others’ submissions and stump for your own. And may the lamest stat win!

[Special thanks to the Cardinals for providing the prize tickets.]

A group of current and former players filed a class-action lawsuit Friday claiming that the Cardinal manager has "systematically recruited, employed and given preferential treatment to so-called ’scrappy’ players" during his tenure in St. Louis. The suit is reported to represent up to 1000 current and former players who claimed discriminatory treatment.

La Russa was unavailable for comment, as he was having dinner with former players David Bell and Bo Hart.

The case is driven by a dozen players, who to win the case, must convince the court of their claims that La Russa went too far in not only acquiring scrappy players but giving them inordinate playing time. Though classification is often difficult, the Major Leagues have more than 600 legitimately non-scrappy players, though they have been historically under-represented on La Russa’s Cardinal teams. The suit alleges that the Cardinals, with Ryan Theriot, Skip Schumaker, Nick Punto and Daniel Descalso on the 2011 roster, have fewer opportunities for non-scrappy players.

If found guilty, La Russa could be forced to add more non-scrappy players to his team, bench Schumaker for a period of time or simply give more opportunities to players with higher on-base and slugging percentages and who can’t bunt. Sources close to La Russa say that none of the options is tenable for the veteran manager.

A handful of players, led by Adam Dunn, planned a march outside Busch Stadium this afternoon. Orlando Hudson, in town this weekend for the opening series, may join them.

In many ways, the perennial free agent is an ideal La Russa infielder: He’s a switch hitter, hustles on defense and had a sub-.400 slugging percentage last year. But look a little closer and you’ll notice that he’s a full six-feet tall, a trait that he feels is what keeps him from working for the Cardinal manager.

"It’s just frustrating. You try to play baseball the right way, to be scrappy, but my height isn’t something I can control."

Then there’s the question of just how scrappy a player has to be. Willie Bloomquist, who stands 5′11", has a career OBP of .317 and SLG of .336 and plays many positions, none of them well, would be considered by many a scrappy player. But he has tallied only 22 sacrifice bunts in 2056 plate appearances, leading many litigants to claim that La Russa has unfair standard for scrappiness.

Yet s ome of La Russa’s former players known as scrappy came to his defense. Aaron Miles, who played two stints for La Russa, denied that he received preferential treatment.

"Look, the scrappiness had nothing to do with it. I don’t think he even thought of me as scrappy," said Miles."I had 16 career home runs, I could pitch. I earned that playing time."

Other former Cardinals weren’t convinced. Dmitri Young, Chris Duncan, Dennys Reyes and Ray King were some of the players who signed onto the lawsuit, which players hope to be settled by next April 1.

A separate group is reportedly also looking into possible discrimination by La Russa’s animal-rescue foundation, ARF, against non-scrappy dogs, such as Pomeranians, members of the Bloodhound family and Beagles.

A vote for the finest rookie.

The acquisition of Pedro Feliz may have failed offensively, but it gave the Cardinals a tremendous difference between the third basemen on their roster. No, we’re not talking about defensive skill — we mean between their jersey numbers. With Feliz sporting his typical #77, and sometime third sacker Felipe Lopez wearing #3, the Cardinals have the widest uniform-number gap — 74 — between fellow players of the same position since 2007, when #99 So Taguchi and another #3, Preston Wilson, both started at various times in right field for a difference of 96, a record that can only be tied but never broken (the Cardinals have retired numbers 1 and 2).

Feliz has figured in nine of the top 10 uniform-number lineups this season:

Fellow double-numbers Randy Winn (#44) and Skip Schumaker (#55) joined Feliz in several combinations. Conversely, Lopez was in nine of the lowest-sum lineups:

Aaron Miles returned to the club and his old jersey number returned to him to make possible some low combinations. So it appears that three of the team’s midyear acquisitions — Feliz, Winn and Miles — were beneficial in one way, anyway (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Of all the players who started this season, here’s the maximum possible lineup Tony La Russa could’ve tried (but, amazingly, given his 142 different batting orders, didn’t):

And the lowest:

Curiously, the mid-range-numbered Joe Mather appears on both lists — now that’s versatility!

Speaking of numbers, here’s hoping that when the team’s e-number finally zeroes out, Tony La Russa trots out his maximum-possible lineup, which, including the newbs, would be:

See, like we said, they’ve got an awful lot to play for. Well, perhaps not an awful lot. But we’d like to see the Reds come up with a higher-number lineup than that. What you got, Brandon Phillips?

With less than a week before the team opens the 2010 campaign in Cincinnati, the Cardinals announced that they extended Albert Pujols to a lifetime contract. Pujols, who was set to become a free agent after the 2011 season, will earn $30 million each year for the rest of his career with the birds on the bat on his chest.

In wrapping up the three-time MVP, the Cardinals took an additional and unexpected step in signing both of their marquee player’s young sons to lifetime contracts, as well. Albert Jr., 9, who goes by “AJ,” and his brother Ezra, born Feb. 5, will report to the team’s rookie affiliate when they come of age, though they will occasionally appear at spring training in the meantime. Because of child-labor laws, specifics of the boys’ deal were not disclosed.

“We thought we had done a lot by keeping Matt [Holliday], but fans still doubted our commitment,” said chairman Bill Dewitt, Jr. “By signing all of the males in the Pujols family, we wanted to demonstrate to our fans that they don’t ever have to worry about our commitment to winning.”

General manager John Mozeliak echoed Dewitt’s comments.

“With the way the marketplace for young talent is today, we wanted to lock in not only Albert but the opportunity to have AJ and Ezra continue in their father’s footsteps, as Cardinals,” Mozeliak said.

The amateur signings intrigued Baseball America’s Jim Callis, who noted that “the unusually young age of the boys makes it difficult to project their future performance,” the Pujolses will boost the team’s farm system ranking back into the top 10.

Jeff Luhnow, the Cardinals’ VP of Amateur Scouting and Player Development, took credit for the signing. “Although technically the boys were born in the US, they have Dominican heritage. Sure, Albert helped us with the initial contact, but AJ and Ezra appreciated what we are doing with Latin players and wanted to be a part of it. Our system is clearly working.”

“We’re all very happy,” Pujols said. “Everybody agreed on it. I’m just happy. I’m glad it’s over. Now it’s time to play baseball and concentrate on the season.”

Said AJ, “Now it’s time to go to school and concentrate on my spelling test.”

Ezra was nursing and was unavailable for comment.

For the press conference, Dewitt admitted that he considered using the jersey of infamous midget Eddie Gaedel for AJ. The jersey originally belonged to Dewitt when he was a nine-year-old batboy for the St. Louis Browns.

“Cardinal baseball is all about tradition,” he said. “I wanted to keep it in the family, but Albert reminded me that AJ has a special clause in his contract whereby we outfit him for public events in new clothes from Gap Kids.”

The Cardinals are expected to announce another deal soon that would bring hitting coach Mark McGwire’s seven-year-old son Max to the team as a special instructor upon his graduation from high school.

The Cardinals and Dodgers are pretty much consensus picks, and for good reason: They have two of the most balanced lineups in the league, and certainly in their respective divisions. The only competition that the Cardinals will have will be their own bodies, though the emergence of Jaime Garcia mitigates some of the injury risk among the starting pitching. Beyond the Cardinals in the Central, the second through fourth spots are going to see a lot of churn, with the Cubs, Brewers and Reds all fighting it out. In the East, a lot of people like the Braves this year, and though they have a meritorious case, we prefer the Phillies’ lineup and first two starters. After all, one team gained Roy Halladay and the other lost Javier Vazquez.

And for the junior circuit:

We know, we know: No one is picking the Mariners to win the West, especially after last week’s news on Cliff Lee, except maybe the statheads, which title we’d proudly accept. One things for sure: They’re going to have the best defense in baseball (John Dewan projects them to save more than twice as many runs as the next-best defensive team). Though they have some delicate pieces — Milton Bradley and Ken Griffey, Jr. — and batters who generate a lot of outs — Jose Lopez and Jack Wilson — their frontline starters are enough to keep them in a division of undistinguished teams.

*On principle, we don’t pick wild-card winners or World Series champions.

Pitcher: Pete Daniels (County Cavan, Ireland)
Smiling Pete went eight years between appearances (talk about pitching on rest) and tossed 54 2/3 innings with the 1898 Browns (the Cardinal franchise).

Pitcher: Con Lucid (Dublin, Ireland)
Lucid threw 49 innings with the Browns (NL) in 1897. He ended his career in St. Louis and later, sadly, ended his own life.

Catcher: Jack O’Neill C/1B/OF (Galway, Ireland)
O’Neill caught only 280 games in his career, which began with the Cardinals in 1902. So his claim to fame was being traded with Hall of Famer Mordecai Brown to the Cubs. His 2nd most-similar batter is Pujols. Luis Pujols.

1B: Tony Mullane (Cork, Ireland)
Before Greg Harris and Pat Venditte, there was "The Apollo of the Box," Tony Mullane. Like Billy Wagner, Mullane injured his right arm and learned to throw lefthanded. He resumed throwing righthanded after his arm healed and would even alternate throwing from each side in the same game. Best known as a pitcher, he tossed 460 2/3 innings and played outfield, first base and second base for the Browns in 1883, then tried to sign with the St. Louis Maroons of the Union Association but the reserve clause prevented it.

2B: Hugh Daily (Ireland)
One-Arm Daily broke in as a 34-year-old rookie and once struck out 483 batters in a single season. But his "horrific, cuss-laden in-game outbursts towards the opposition, umpires, fans, and teammates" led to no team ever re-signing him for a second season. One of those teams was the St. Louis Maroons, for whom he pitched (and swore) in 1885. Playing with only one hand, he logged two games as a second baseman the year before and turned a double play as a shortstop.

3B: Paddy O’Connor (County Kerry, Ireland)
O’Connor mostly caught in his 83-game major-league career, but his one game at third base is enough for our team, as are his seven games for the Cardinals in 1914, when he posted a -23 OPS+. We didn’t even know that was possible.

SS: Brendan Ryan
His name is about as Irish as you can get, but alas, "The Flyin’ Irishman" hails from California. Tá bron orm!

OF: Patsy Donovan (Queenstown, Ireland)
With 8172 plate appearances in a 17-year career, Donovan is the most accomplished Irish hitter. As a Cardinal, the slap-hitting outfielder led the league with 45 stolen bases in 1900 and later became the team’s player-manager and baseball’s highest-paid player, with an $8,000 salary in 1902.

OF: Mike O’Neill (Maam, Ireland)
A lifelong Cardinal, O’Neill was was one of four brothers who played in the major leagues, including Jack (see above) and Paul (just kidding there). He was "a good-hitting pitcher who occasionally played in the left field" and is known (well, not by many) for hitting the first pinch grand slam in major league history, which happened to be an inside-the-parker. He also became the first National League pitcher to hit a grand slam in the 20th century.

OF: Sleeper Sullivan (Ireland)
The guy went by "Sleeper," and his given name was Thomas Jefferson Sullivan. His nickname was "Old Iron Hands." That alone is an impressive career. The former Maroon and Brownie outfielder-catcher-pitcher is buried at Calvary Cemetery in St. Louis, resting place of General William Tecumseh Sherman, Dred Scott and Tennessee Williams.